relief

The next few weeks crawled by, I was surprisingly ok with ending things with W. After all it had been rocky for a while and I knew it was the right decision.

But surprisingly I think it was the M situation that made it easier, he was still AWOL and it was now early August. It had been 2 months and M had sucssefully evaded the police the whole time. My mind was consumed, I couldn’t shake the feeling he was planning something new.

I tried to be patient and calm but it wasn’t easy. Where was he????

Then in mid August I called for an update and was told M had been picked up 2 days earlier!

Relief flooded through me as I heard he was on remand due to skipping his bail and due in magistrates court next week for a review of the official charge.

I hung up the phone and jumped up twirling around with my hands in the air.

I felt safe and free for the first time since he had gone missing. A smile broke across my face and I decided I would go out.

As I gathered my things I called my mum and gave her the good news. She was relived too and told me that it would all be alright.

With that I skipped out the house feeling like my world had opened up again. It was sunny, I was safe and I felt safe.

Being safe and feeling safe were two different things to me. Logically I knew M didn’t know my new name, my address or my place of work, in that sense I was as safe as I can be barring a chance meeting or M being at the one places he knew for sure I went like my mums. I had safe guarded myself physically as much as I could.

But feeling safe didn’t always go with being physically safe. M had been able to get to me despite my safe guards, he had orchestrated the situation I was in now from just one false statement to the police months earlier.

Just him being out there unknown to the police sent terror seeping through me- technically I knew he couldn’t find me but the feeling that there was the possibility even a tiny one that he could was all he needed to have a terrible effect on my life.

Knowing M was locked in a room and being watched by a guard was the only thing that gave me complete confidence to get on with my life- to feel safe.

I had been ok after he was released from prison as I had convinced myself that prison would do what it was supposed to do and M would not want to ruin his life any further in order to stalk me.

When the police had called me in March I knew that wasn’t the case and the sad fact was that I now knew he wouldn’t stop. If there was a way to get to me he would use it.

But on today and for the next week I had the comfort that M was locked away and for now I would grab that and run with it because it was all I had.

C xo

©2016 C xo

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