The last goodbye

I got home exhausted and beyond sad. I didn’t feel like I was myself, everything that was happening was too much, too big and out of my control.

I went to sleep finally at about 1.30am but woke several times thinking I heard tapping at my door. I was so on edge I was hearing things, it felt like I was going mad.

I got up at 9.15am and showered, standing there I wondered what W would be like today. Would the pills be out of his system? Would he now understand that he had had strokes and that drinking was starting to claim parts of him he couldn’t take back?

I set out to drive to the hospital for visiting hours, half way there my phone rang and it was the hospital. What now???

‘C, I’m sorry to tell you but W is missing. He managed to get off the ward 35 mins ago and we can’t find him. The police are aware and will be in contact.’

I was astounded and had so many questions! Where has the security guards been? How was this able to happen 3 times in 48 hours?

W health was at severe risk of collapse and another stroke!

I pulled over the car and waited for the police to call. They took details of W’s address and habits and I was asked to contact his housemate and head to his home.

We all suspected he would try to get to his sisters wedding but his suit was at his flat, so he would need to go there first.

I made my way there and waited for the police. W’s housemate had texted to tell me W had arrived 10 minutes earlier with a bag of beer and he was drinking.

The police arrived and explained they had authority to arrest W and take him back to the hospital if he refused to come willingly as he was sectioned.

However they wanted me to go in first and try to persuade him, they would hold back in the hallway.

Nervously I lead the way and W’s flat mate let us in. I walked down the hall to W’s room my heart beating so loudly in the quiet.

I pushed open the door to find W laying on his bed with a can of beer in his hand and an empty one on the desk. It wasn’t even 11.30am yet.

‘W what are you doing here? You need to be at the hospital where they can help you get better!’

‘I’m going to my sisters wedding! It’s where I’m supposed to be, I can make it if I go soon.’

‘Your family want you to be safe and healthy W, which means being at the hospital. They know this and don’t mind you are not there with them today, I spoke to them myself yesterday.’

W wouldn’t listen to me and continued to drink, I tried again

‘Look W you have to come back to the hospital. You weren’t supposed to leave and you are mid treatment you are putting your health in danger being here and by drinking that!’

‘Just go C!’

At that movement the police came in, W looked up and anger flashed across his face, he turned to me.

‘For fuck’s sake C! What did you do?’

‘ I didn’t do this, you did.’ I wispered.

‘W, mate you need to come back to the hospital with us. Now we can do this the easy way where you walk out with us or the hard way where we carry you out. Now I know which one I would prefer. I think you do to, so come on now.’

W looked at me like I had sold him out and turned his back to me. He struggled to his feet and slowly made his way to the door. He was clearly not that sure on his feet.

‘W, do you want me to put a few things in a bag for you?’ I called after him.

He turned to look at me,

‘Just fuck off C!’

With that he left with the police and I was left on my own. Trying to hold back tears I stuffed a few things in his bag and hurried to follow in my car.

I felt numb, how has it come to this? Arriving at the hospital for the third day in a row I went to the ward.

I had to find out what happened, they were very apologetic and said they had not replaced the security when the night guards had left.

I said it wasn’t good enough, he had been sectioned for a reason! Annoyed I went to see W.

He refused to speak to me and simply told me to fuck off again. Hurt and angry I shoved the bag on his bed.

I asked if he wanted me to go and get anything else for him like a book or his laptop  as he was going to be here for another two nights under the section.

‘I don’t want anything from you. Leave me alone. This is all your fault!’

‘W, you collapsed, you took 28 sleeping tablets, you have had strokes! You needed help. I haven’t done anything but try to look after you!’


Stunned I looked around me, everyone on the ward was staring at us.

‘Fine, goodbye W. This is it I’m not coming back. Good luck with your life!’

With that I turned to leave and tried hard to hold myself together.

I spoke to the nurse and informed them that W’s family would be arriving tomorrow and they would look after him. They needed to call his mum for any updates from now on and to remove my name and number from W’s contact sheet.

I held my head high as I walked out of the hospital, I was doing the right thing. W was knowingly on a path of self destruction and was intent on carrying on and I couldn’t help him.

He was on his own now and so was I.

All that was left to do was to call W’s mum and let her know what had happened and to say sorry but I can’t be here anymore.

That was a hard phone call, we got on well and she had welcomed me into the family with open arms but that simply wasn’t enough to stay.

She told me she understood and thanked me for looking out for her boy.

I got into my car and drove. I felt numb, I wasn’t sure I could deal with this all now . Maybe I had reached my emotional limit for dealing so I just drove.

C xo

©2016 C xo


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