Pushed to Breaking Point

I sat on the train and waited for my station and trudged up the road towards my house, it was 11.50pm by the time I reached it but instead of walking to the door I got into my car and started to drive.

I headed over to W’s flat to see if he had some how made his way home only to find he wasn’t there. I called the hospital and let them know.

I drove home and walked wearily up the stairs, there was nothing I could do for W now. The hospital said they would carry on searching and if he wasn’t found by the morning he would be reported missing to the police.

I got into bed and despite my worry and panic at the situation I fell asleep almost instantly, it was well past 1am.

I was woken at 4.15am by my phone ringing.


‘Hello, this is V calling from the hospital, we have found W and he is back on the ward safe and sound. He is fine, we just wanted to let you know.’

Relief flooded through me.

‘Where was he?’

‘We found him asleep in a flowerbed just on the outskirts of the hospital grounds, we are not sure but he may have had another fit.’

‘But he is ok?’

‘Yes, the consultant will be seeing him first thing in the morning. He is sleeping now’

‘Ok, can you let me know what they say please? I mean if he is being let go or staying.’

‘Yes of course. Good night.’

‘Thank you and good night.’

I called W’s mum as she had been alerted by the hospital also and was anxious for information and she thanked me for letting her know.

I put my phone on the side and laid back down, I was awake and exhausted and confused. What was going on with W?

I eventually fell asleep and woke up at 8.45am and set up my laptop so  could work from my bed. I thanked god I was working from home as I had desperately needed the extra couple hours of sleep.

I was getting on with my day and feeling awful due to the stress of this situation on top of what was happening with M, when my phone rang.

‘Hello is that C?’


‘Hello C this is K I’m a nurse from the hospital, can I ask are you with W?’

Confused  I said,

‘No I am at home, is W not with you at the hospital?’

‘He walked off the ward about an hour ago and we have not been able to locate him.’

FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!!!!!! What the hell was going on?

W clearly was not well and they were letting him walk off the ward and after last night??????

I hung up the phone promising to go to his flat to see if he was there, whilst they called the police.

Once again I spoke to my manager, who told me to just go.

I got in my car and drove back the same way I went last night, the slow day time traffic making me anxious and annoyed. The police called me to ask a few question whilst I was driving.

W wasn’t there. I dithered, what do I do now?

Then my phone rang again it was the hospital W had come back and was on the ward and he was due an assessment in the next 2 hours.

I got back in the car and headed out East, 45 minutes later I walked onto the ward to find W on his bed wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Ok.

The nurse had explained that W had said he had just gone to the local shopping centre to get some clothes and a charger for his phone.

I tried to speak to W but he was out of it, I looked through the Primark bag and found some more clothes which were definitely not his usual style, an empty packet of 28 sleeping tablets and over £200 in cash.

I took the empty pill box to the doctors and they thanked me, they hadn’t realised he had taken the pills and so started a course of treatment accordingly.

Over the next few hours I watched over W as he tripped out on the tablets, he screamed at the wall and backed away yelling it was melting.

He grabbed me and pulled me close and told me I was an evil person who would burn in hell and that he was glad before cackling madly and shoving me backwards.

I tried to calm him down, and suddenly he shoved me out the way knocking me into the wall as he made for the ward exit, at that moment a consultant came back and W was put back into bed and on a drip.

It made him sleepy. I sat for another 3 hours as he dozed and mumbled, then he slowly started waking up and was talking fairly normally but was intent on getting to the train station to go up to Nottingham for his sisters wedding and seemed confused as to why he was there.

20 minutes later after I had stalled W from packing up his shopping and leaving the consultant came back and began an assessment of W’s mental state.

Once again I stayed silent as W lied to the doctor but this time he contradicted himself several times and was clearly very confessed. It was heart-breaking to watch.

The consultant finished the assessment and asked me to come to his office. I sat there and broke down explaining what W had said was a lie and how much he really had been drinking and abusing painkillers and sleeping tablets.

The consultant told me W was experiencing withdrawl to alcohol, which is why he had collapsed and fitted several times.

He had stopped drinking but due to the amount he was consuming previously his body was in toxic shock. This mixed with the tablets he had taken was a dangerous mix.

He told me that W had had several mini strokes in the last 4 months also due to the amount he was drinking. I was horrified.

He gently told me they were sectioning W for his own safety. I looked at him and wiped away my tears, I was so relieved, this meant they had to keep him on the ward and he couldn’t just wander off as he fancied.

Then he asked if I was ok, I looked at him surprised but so pathetically thankful. I was so stressed out, I was the only one here for W his whole family were in Nottingham getting ready for the wedding tomorrow.

‘I will be fine, thank you.’

‘We need to ask, has W been violent towards you before?’

‘N, No!’ I stuttered.

‘You can tell us, you are safe here.’

‘No, not at all, W’s actions today towards me physically are not normal at all. I  would say if it was not the case. But he has never consciously tried to hurt me.’

‘Ok then.’

I was asked to stay as long as they could let me, to try keep W calm for the evening. I agreed.

I went back and sat with W as the consultant explained what was happening to him, W immediately tried to leave but was stooped by two burly security guards.

He was put back on his bed, and for the next 2 hours I watched as W tried to sneak past them and escape. Several times he pushed me hard to get past me as I tried to soothe him and I was thrown into the wall and twice through the curtain separating W’s bed to the next.

The second time this happened my arm caught the edge of a cabinet and I sustained a large deep scratch all the way down my forearm.  Kindly the nurse looked at it and cleaned it up for me.

Finally it was time for me to go, W was in bed, but still very agitated and confused. I tried to say good night and promised I would return in the morning. I left him with the security guards watching over him.

I walked away and felt guilty for feeling relived to be away from him. It was 11pm so I headed for my car, calling W’s family to let them know what was happening on the way and they all thanked me for being there with him and told me they had already planned to come down on Sunday  first thing after the wedding.

I got in my car and started to drive home only to break down in tears 10 minutes later. I was crying so hard I had to pull over.

I felt like I was breaking, this was all just too much.

C xo

©2016 C xo

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