Waiting is Hard

It has been a long while since I have posted and now you get 2 in one day! Well thats’ mostly because in terms of M  there has been a lot of waiting.

I was waiting after that call, living and trying to keep the dark feelings away at the back of my mind day by day I tried to smile and move on but really I mostly waited, quietly and patiently for the day I had to face M again.

Stalking is in the news a lot at the moment and that is good and the changes to the laws which are now taking stalking seriously is such good news but I can’t help but think where was the support and reassurance for me when I was experiencing the bleakest years of my life at the mercy of M? Why didn’t the CPS see what M was still doign to me and why didn’t they charge him this time?

I titled this waiting is hard as I had been waiting for a long time, waiting for that call. I waited  until the New Year and then throughout Janurary then during the court dates  that had been set in February 2016, only to be told no the court was too busy wait until April.

I waited again up to and in April for that call the one that I both longed for and dreaded. Longed for because it meant finally maybe this would be over and dreaded because it would mean a day in court facing M reliving every moment of fear, terror and pain he had caused me.

But once again sorry the court was too busy, wait until September.

So I did I tried hard to cope with the mounting anxiety and the nightmares that plagued me as I tried to arrange the events of all those years in my head so I could recount them in court.

But once again sorry the court was too busy wait but we don’t know how long for this time.

It was around here I snapped, the meek scared C came flooding back into me and I broke down in tears as I dropped my phone on the floor and rocked back and forth. This will never end.

Waiting to be a witness in crown court, to face a man you fear with every part of you is like torture and to made to endure that build up 3 times over a 9 month period nearly broke me. I have spent years pulling myself back up and putting myself back together and now it wasn’t M pulling the strings it was the courts that were supposed to be there to protect me.

I say I snapped, well I did. I went online and found the court director for Chelmsford Crown Court and called, but I wasn’t allowed to speak to her. So I wrote a letter explaining my disgust at how her court is run and how people like me are just told to wait in line as though it was nothing more than waiting in line at the cinema. How it feels to wait and would she want her sister, mum or daughter to have to live like I have to?

3 weeks waiting again for her reply:

27th February 2017

That’s when I have to see M again, my letter got me a fixed court date.

So Christmas with my family, New Year with my lovely boyfriend, then I will be thinking about what happened again, the nightmares will come back and I will wait for 27/02/17.

Hoping and longing for the day to come and for it to be the end of M. Dreading the day itself and what I will have to face.

C xo

In the dark

Friday came and I waited for news, then I waited some more. Finally at 5.20pm I broke and called the police for an update. But I was told my case officer was now off shift and would be back on Tuesday.

I hung up feeling sick, I didn’t know what had happened in court today. There was every chance M was walking around free since this was the hearing to set a court date.

I went home feeling weary of potential danger and frustrated at the police. I just needed to know what was happening so I could be prepared and if needed extra vigilant. Tuesday seemed to be very far away and as I walked I hated M so much.

My whole world was waiting on the outcome, my approach to life couldn’t be carefree and happy with this weighing down on me. I was fed up and despite it being a Friday evening I plodded on unhappy and went home and locked myself away in my room.

The hours crept by slowly that weekend, I stayed inside and my mood didn’t lift. Finally Tuesday dawned and I waited until 8.31am to call.

M was indeed out of prison and walking around but I was assured he had bail conditions set that would prevent him from getting to me and of course my restraining order still stood.

The terms were that he had to stay in the county of the address he had given in court and report to the local police station 3 times a week.

Ok so where was he living? The police had told me months ago when M was awol that the house on Waltham abbey was abandoned.

‘I can’t tell you where C.’

‘ What? Why not? To protect him from me? He isn’t the victim here!’

‘ No it’s just procedure but rest assured it’s no where near London!’

I hung up the phone feeling disgusted at the lack of support and empathy from the police. They were protecting M!!!

It was obvious to me where he was though. He had been picked up in Lincolnshire when they found him so it made sense he would have given his mothers old house address.

Well I could live with that, it was far away from me and I hoped he would stay that way.

Next came a call from witness care, the crown court date was set for February 2016, a long way away for me. I couldn’t do anything about it but try to live my life while I waited.

C xo