That e mail was a big shock to me, when I investigated further into M’s release I was apologised to by the prison authorities for them missing protocol on my case. That was helpful in no way at all. My trust in the court and prison system was waning.
I stuck by my decision to get on with it and to push M out of my mind. Nothing had changed with my happy content life all the amazing loving people who had helped me to be alive again were still there and were still helping me.
So I tried to balance my fear of another attack with my life as I wanted it. I was still cautious online and still off of social media. W knew about M but not in detail so I tried to shield him from my panic as best I could.
I went back to changing passwords frequently and I was a wary of my surroundings again, but it was better than before, like I have said I was not the same girl I had more to loose and to live for and I had beaten this once already.
So time went on and gradually I fell into my routine again, I was getting on with it. But secretly I still worried that M would strike again, he knew where my mum’s house is and he knew I would be there at Christmas.
It seemed obvious to me that if he was going to do anything it would be then, I didn’t tell anyone and instead I smiled and laughed as though everything was normal and safe.
Christmas Eve came and I left London for Essex, the whole time I was driving I checked to see if I was being followed. When I arrived safely without a tail, I breathed a sigh of relief.
I was spending 3 days at my mums and then driving to W’s mum’s house to stay with his family for a few days. So I had lots of family Christmas time to look forward to and enjoy. I should be happy I love Christmas, but I was on edge.
I looked out the window at 1am, 2.35am and 3am on Christmas morning, scared I would see M standing across the road, or my car on fire since last time he only got as far as pouring petrol on it.
I feel into a restless sleep at about 3.20am and awoke again to the early morning light, I rushed to the window but everything seemed normal.
I tried to mentally shake myself, it was ok. I was safe I was in the house, my Mum had already told me the police had told them to dial 999 if anything happened concerning M and a 999 call from their address would trigger a report- they would know exactly what was going on straight away.
Christmas day and Boxing Day passed without any M incidents. I slowly relaxed and let most of my fears go.
On the 27th I packed my bag and said goodbye to my Mum, as I hugged her she whispered to me,
‘I thought he might try to ruin this for you, I am so happy it was just us.’
My Mum had been on edge the whole time too.
I hated that he could still have this impact on me but more so on my family. The depth of his abuse seemed bottomless and I wondered if I could be truly happy and safe when M wasn’t behind bars?
©2015 C xo