Merry Christmas be Safe

No posts for the next few days x

Christmas should be about family friends and love.

I know there are many people out there who arm’t lucky enough to have left their abuser behind yet so to them remember there is help.

Call 999
Call paladin

Get help you don’t deserve to be in any pain physical or mental x

So I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas x

I will be back posting before the new year xxx

C xo

Blind Happiness

After the show M hired a van and helped me move all my things into the house. It was exactly as I remembered and I loved it straight away. We set about decorating and soon weekends were filled with DIY and gardening trying to get our home ready for the summer so we could enjoy it and have people over.

I soon found out M was either very bad at painting or was pretending to be so he could get out of it and so it fell to me to paint 13 fence panels in our garden the lovely seagreen colour we choose- it took ages and was back breaking work but M made up for it by running me baths. making dinner and rubbing my shoulders after I had spent hours out there.

It seemed we had finally found our place of sernity together. We spent most of our spare time just the two of us, working away on our home or heading off to the cinema to see a movie together.

I wanted to ask around friends and family as soon as it got warm in June but M said he wanted the house to be perfect so I waited and by mid July everything was looking wonderful. I was so pround of the design I had done in the front room and the garden. They looked wonderful and I wanted to show off our home to everyone. M and I had a couple of BBQ’s and it was so idilic apart form his scary mum, who was still cold with me and chain smoked and left cigerret butts all over our lovely deck.

Even with M’s mum I was still happy and only one thing dampened my spirits my lovely car, a blue Fiat 500 brand new earlier in the year was being repeatedly vandalised. At first it seemed to be a random act, several cars including mine were keyed one night. But after that every other week or so some more damage would appear on my car, a wing mirror was pulled off, the windscreen wipers were snapped off twice! The aerial was bent, the door to the fuel cap was pulled off and the car was keyed again. With each fresh incident I turned to M for comfort, it wa sreally getting me down. Why was my car being targeted? What had I done? The police had no clue.

I tried to cheer myself up by getting on with planning our wedding, I had talked to M and asked if we could have a blessing in front of friends and family upon our return from St Lucia. He reluctantly agreed sayign that all he anted was me to himself forever. I was in two minds about getting married so far away, the resort was stunning and it would be romantic. I just couldn’t help thinking I would be getting ready alone and no one but strangers would see our union. But it was already booked so I made the best of it and picked out flowers, a cake and a romantic sand ceromony. Also since I would have two weddings technically, I needed two dresses!

I didn’t have a lot of money so I looked online and found a US site that makes dresses to measure. I picked out a backless chiffon dress with stunning crystals on it for the beach wedding and a lovely italian lace dress for the blessing. I would have to wait 10 weeks for them both to arrive and I was counting down the days!

I have mentioned before M rarely drank, so it was a big surprise when at 9pm one Thursday night in August he rang me absolutley hammered. He had got on a train in Town and got off at a random stop and he had no idea where he was. After 4 minutes of trying to get clues form him I got him to hand his phone to a passer by and they told me he was in Hertford. So I got in my car to go and get him.

What I didn’t expect was what he did on the way home…

C xo

©2014 C xo

Fresh Start… Oh

I didn’t say much to my mum just that I had had enough and that we were done. I had left the ring on the bed side table and not called M. I was trying to be strong and throwing myself into work, ignoring the fact that I should be moving into the new house with M.

At this point I was working for the Ideal Home Show and in March we descended on Earls Court for 20 days for the show. We were only a few weeks out and the office was crazy. I did enjoy this bit so it was an excellent distraction.

Then 2 days before I was due to go onsite, M appeared outside the office and asked if I would go for a drink with him. I wanted to say no, I wanted to turn around and walk away. Here was the man who had hurt me so many times now, and I had walked away and stayed away for longer than any time before. I knew I should say no but part of me still believed maybe just maybe with some time and support he could go back to who he was. Then there was the rest of the time, most of the time he had been lovely to me. I should have said no.

But I couldn’t, despite everything I still wanted him. So we went for a drink, he sat a few feet away and fiddled with a beer matt, this was unusual for him and I could tell he was nervous.
‘C, I wanted to, no I need to explain. I was drunk it’s no excuse and I know that. I have gotten help and I know it’s a long road from here but I am trying to get better and I want to for you.’
‘What sort of help?’
‘Therapy, counselling, lots of talking about my feelings and owning up to my mistakes.’

I was stunned, M talking about his feelings? Actually admitting to needind help and seeking it out?
‘Oh, is it helping?’
‘I think so, no I know so! Look C I shouldn’t ask I know this but do I still have a chance with you? Can I make you trust me again?’

I sat across form him and thought, trust wasn’t exactly the issue for me, it was anger and he was trying to sort that out. Trurst was his issue.
‘I don’t thimk its me who has a problem with trust. Do you trust me? You keep going back to me cheating on you and I haven’t.’
‘I know, I am sorry. I thought, I thought I knew and I was wrong I know that now.’
‘I don’t know M, I just. Ok I don’t want to walk away but, you scared me, you, you hurt me.’
‘I know and I am so ashamed, I want to make amends. Please C, please let me try…’

I told I needed some more time, and that I was going to be busy with work onsite for a few weeks anyway. So he needed to give me some space and let me get used to things. He agreed, and with the hard part over he told me about the house as he had now moved in. He said that he didn’t want to do anything to it until I was there, it was ours not his and he could wait.

It was so hard not to run straight back into his arms then and there. I wanted to and that thought shamed me, what would people think? My family knew for the most part what he had done they had seen it, and my friends well they must have guessed. I was so mixed up, I wanted to help M to help him become the man he was before all this and to make all the apin he had caused worth it in a way. I had stuck by him for so long was I wrong to leave now? Maybe when he needed me the most?

I held out more so because exhibitions are exhausting and very distracting so I had plenty to keep my mind occupied. But he texted me every day with sweet sayings or silly pictures that made me laugh, reminding me of the M I loved.

Then on the last day of the show, day 17, M turned up at Earls Court. He asked me for 5 minutes and despite myself I was secretly thrilled he had made the effort to come all the way over London to see me. We walked around my area of the show, I was proud of it and pointed out my favourite stands. After a few minutes we stopped to look over the balcony at the show below, it was quite a view. But M couldn’t stop looking at me. Which sounds lovely but it was actually a little unnerving. He took my hand and said.
‘Look, I want to show you something. Walk with me?’
He pulled me along through the aisle and stopped by one of the stands in my section- Sandals Holidays.

There he got down on one knee still holding my hand and took out something from his pocket.
‘C I have made many mistakes I know, and I am trying to fix them all. My life isn’t the same without you and if you let me I will try every day to make your life better too. Marry me, come to St Lucia and marry me on the beach?’

I was stunned, I stood there stock still as his words sank in, gradually I realised that everyone in a 10 ft radius had stopped what they were doing and looking at me, waiting for my answer.
Oh god that wasn’t right, what was wrong with me, he was offering everything I wanted (well almost, I wanted a weddinG where my friends and family could stand and what us make our vows…)
‘C I love you, please say yes, um I sort of already booked the holiday with lovely L here’ he said indicating with his head, my exhibitor L who was beaming at me nodding. He looked winningly bashful and nervous at the same time. My head was struggling to get to an answer but my heart was already there.
Everyone cheered and clapped, there were ahhs and then I was in M’s arms.
‘Thank you, you have made me so happy.’
He whispered into my ear.
‘St Lucia then? When did you decide this? You booked it already? You knew I would say yes?’
‘I hoped and wished.’

I was still a little shell shocked and it was all a bit surreal, I didn’t feel the same way as I had the other two times he had asked me. Maybe that would come, he was trying so hard, and here was waiting to show me the venue for our wedding in paradise. What more could a girl ask for?

C xo

©2014 C xo

Moving On

We spent 3 days locked away together, eating, watching films and M looking after me. It felt so right and I was glad to be there. I called my mum each day to reassure her I was fine.

Then on the 31st, we parted, I had plans with K in Essex and M had plans with his rugby club. So we kissed and made a promise to share the morning of the 1st together in each other’s arms.

Off to Essex I went, and I spent a nice chilled NYE with my best friend, she knew everything I didn’t have to hide things from K, she never judged and listened when I needed it.

I drove home shortly after 1am, and arrived at the flat at 2.15am at which point I realised I had left my key in the flat. So I knocked and when there was no answer I assumed M was still out with the boys. So I headed back to my car to wait. I snuggled into my spare blanket and fired off a text to let M know to knock on my window when he got back as I was very tired and would probably fall asleep.

I was right I did fall asleep only to wake up freezing cold at 5.35am. I realised he must have missed my text and gone home and to bed so I bundled the blanket around me and went back into the hall to knock.

No answer, damn it he must be asleep, so I went round the front and knocked on our bedroom window.

I tried calling him and his phone went to vm.

So I ended up back in my car with the engine running and my heater on full blast. It got a little warmer and I dozed on and off for a few hours. Waking up with a jerk every now and again and getting annoyed at the absurdity of the situation. My bed after all was only 25m away!

Finally at 10.23am my phone rang and it was M.
‘Where are you? I woke up and you weren’t here?’
‘I’m in the car park in my car I forgot my keys!’
‘What, oh right ok come inside then.’

Happy New Year to you too darling!
I went in a fell into bed and didn’t emerge for a few hours, happy and warm. We frittered the day away with silly cartoons and quality streets.

All to soon the real world came rushing back and although the swelling had gone down my bruises were now a lovely shade of yellow and I had to go to work and say I had fallen over after a few too many at Christmas.

We got back into routines and then suddenly one day just 4 weeks later it all came crashing down. Again.

M got drunk, this didn’t happen often but when he does he goes for it. He had been out with the rugby boys and when he came back he started on me.

Picking on my weight, saying I had gotten fat. The clothes I wore didn’t suit me, I was tarty and people thought I was open for business. I was a poor excuse for a wife to be I didn’t look after him. I looked at other men.

I tried to ignore his words, he didn’t mean them he was drunk, so I went to the kitchen to get him some water, if I could get him to down a couple pints and put him to bed he would sleep it off.

He had other ideas and I found myself pinned to the wall in the lounge, he stank of whiskey and I turned my head, trying to push him off and gently I pushed him towards the door and suggested he goes to bed.

‘No! You don’t tell me I tell you!
You’re a tart, I know it, you whore around, who have you been with tonight, you don’t want me so who was it? Go on who?’

He staggered backwards. I tried to reign in my temper, not this again. For god’s sake.

Then he went for me. In his drunken state the full weight of his body hit me and I fell back onto the floor, his hands found my neck and squeezed hard. I clawed at his hands and scratched at his face trying to stop him. Then he passed out.

It was over.

I rolled him off me and sat up rubbing my neck. This is it, I am leaving.

I got up rung my mum, asked if I could stay at hers for a while and would they mind driving up to help me pack up my things.

In the space of 2 hours I had gotten all my belongings into mine and my mums car. M was still passed out on the floor in the lounge.

I wrote him a note explaining why I had left and with that I drove away from M.

Fully intending for this to be the last time he would hurt me and the last time I would let him.

C xo

©2014 C xo


I woke up on Christmas day, at first confused as to where I was and why I hurt so much. Then last night came back to me.

I didn’t want to see myself in the mirror but going into the bathroom at my mums I didn’t have much choice.

My face was swollen and purple from my left temple to all around my left eye, my back was covered in red bruises all down my spine and my right side as was my right arm and right hip.

I was a mess and I didn’t even have my tooth brush. Tears slid down my cheeks I had nothing it was all at the flat and absurdly I craved M, I wanted to feel his arms around me and for him to tell me he still loved me and that he was sorry.

I gingerly got into the shower, the hot water felt like bullets on my bruises but gradually I felt better and at least I was clean.
My mum had laid out some of her clothes for me last night as I had nothing clean.

I put them on feeling odd and set off downstairs for Christmas morning, this felt like no Christnas I had ever had. The joy and innocence had gone and I was very self-conscious, not only because of my face and the clothes but because all my gifts to my family were still at the flat. I had nothing to give them but worry and panic.

My mum saw me coming down the stairs and I saw her eyes flicker to my face, her hand went to her mouth as she chocked back a sob.
‘Oh darling’ she said as she pulled me into her arms.

I felt guilty for my earlier yearnings for M, but there was nothing I could do. Logically I knew what he had done was very wrong and that I should just get my things out of there and leave him.

But it wasn’t that simple, I cared for him so deeply and I had to believe that the man I fell in love with was still there and that the anger and pain he was in had a cause. Well we could work through it couldn’t we?

This is how I found myself engineerimg my isolation on Boxing Day. I assured my family on Christmas Day evening that going to a big party would be too much for me and I would feel very self-conscious. I was happy to stay here at the house curl up and sleep and watch films, whilst they went to the party.

Besides I didn’t have any clothes.
Then once that was arranged I stole myself away and like a junkie that just couldn’t help it I called M.

Before I could say anything he bombarded me with questions:
Was I ok?
Had he hurt me?
How was I feeling?
Could I forgive him?
Did I miss him as much as he missed me?

I haltingly explained about my bruises and I heard him go silent and then stifled sobs, he was crying again. Despite my pain and him being the cause my heart went out to him.

To my heads dismay I tried to massive him it was ok but he wouldn’t believe me he wanted to see me for himself. Since my head wasn’t steering this car I found myself agreeing to let him drive to my mum’s and pick me up.

The car journey was quiet, when he saw me the colour drained from his face, when he had tried to hug me I had winced in pain and he had quickly let go. He was shocked at my injures.

Finally he said what I wanted most to hear.
‘I’m sorry…
I was out of my mind, I was so fixated on the thought of losing you I pushed you away and I got angry. I am so sorry I lost my temper. I didn’t mean to…’

I looked over at him and saw the guilt and pain in his face. He was sorry I knew that. I wanted to mend us and to mend him. He wasn’t a monster he was kind, funny and caring but there was something inside that was eating away at him.

‘Is this about your dad?’ I asked tentatively. I had thought things through over and over in the last 36 hours and it was all I could come up with. The only thing that could make this I wanted to think acceptable but that didn’t sit right. It was the only think that I could accept for a reason.

‘I think so, yes. I haven’t let go of him. I can’t.’

I was stunned he so rarely talked about his feelings especially to do with his family.

We got back to the flat and as I walked in, I looked at the hall wall and the door and I shuddered. My arms wrapped around me I edged into the lounge and went straight to the sofa.

M followed me but rather than sit down with me he sank to his knees in front of me and put his head in my lap weeping, sobbing hard and grasping my hands.

When he looked up the pain and desolation in his eyes were too much for me to bear.
‘I love you C, I’m sorry, I am so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
Please C please forgive me, I love you, I need you. I promise I will sort myself out, I won’t hurt you again. Please!’

I couldn’t speak I was crying too and so I nodded and silently he crawled onto the sofa with me and we held each other our tears mingling as we both sought comfort from the other.

Later on after I had changed into my own clothes I told M I had to go back to my Mum’s she would be worried and I had to talk to her so she understood what had happened and that it was going to be ok.

I packed my families presents in my car and took an overnight bag. I promised I would be back the on the 28th Dec and with one last gentle hug I left.

As I drove I convinced myself it would be better to understand for my family if they thought M was getting professional help and that he was having therapy to deal with his anger issues. Yes that would be best and I would suggest it to M anyway!

Which is what I told my family, I could see the worry in their faces but I was steadfast that it was ok, we had talked properly and that M had contacted his doctor to arrange a referral through an emergency number already. He knew he has done something very wrong and was trying to fix it.

I was lying to my family to protect M, I knew that and I told myself it was for their benefit, they wouldn’t understand why I had to go back, they couldn’t they didn’t know M like I did. They weren’t in love with him.

C xo

©2014 C xo

Christmas Fear

I went to the office party feeling blue, M had not responded to my texts ‘Goodnight xx’ last night or ‘I miss you x’ text this morning.
So I got drunk.

It was pretty easy since it was an open bar. I drank, I cried in the loos. It was not a good time. K and my friends got me back to hers and put me to bed on the sofa.
Blissfully I passed out.

I woke up the next morning abruptly with a cat on my chest purring in my face, since I did not know K had a cat this was a surprise and I jack knifed upright and screamed, the poor cat fled and hid under the table.
My head was not thankful for its sudden position upright or the noise. My hangover was awful, I had mixed drinks and since I don’t normally drink wine or beer my body was just not used to this.
I drove home hoping that M would be in a better mood and praying that we wouldn’t fight, I didn’t think my head could take it today.

We were due to go to my Dad’s for a Christmas lunch and if we were going to make it in time I needed to step on it and go home and shower.
As I turned the key in the lock, I listened out for signs of M. The flat was quiet, I looked in all the rooms he was out.
Ok, so I texted him I was back and that we needed to leave in 1 hour for my Dad’s and jumped into the shower.

Emerging 20 minutes later feeling only marginally better I found M sitting on our bed.
‘Hi’ I said suddenly feeling shy.
‘Hi, how was the party then?’
‘Honestly from what I remember awful, I wasn’t really feeling in the party mood and well I got a bit drunk.’
I looked down at him willing him to smile and pull me into his lap and laugh at my hangover misery.
‘Of course you did.’
Since he was talking to me, I thought it might be best to just move on from our fight. Clearly I had to make the first move so I walked over to him and sat on the bed.
‘I missed you, I wish I had been here instead.’
I put my head on his shoulder and willed him to say he had missed me too. He didn’t put his arm around me instead he stayed still/
‘Right, well you best hurry you don’t want to be late for your Dad’
Hold up, we were going not just me.
‘Don’t you mean we should get going?’
‘C I don’t feel like smiling and playing nice at your Dads. I’m not going.’
‘But he is expecting us! I’m sorry about the other day, we both got angry but there was nothing to be angry about. Can’t we just forget it and have a nice Christmas?’
‘I’m not going alright, just go have fun and I will see you when you get back.’

So off I went to my Dads, lying to him and my brother that M wasn’t feeling well. My hangover got worse not better and I felt sad. Since my brother and Dad were not aware of what was going on they assumed I was missing M and tried to cheer me up. I ended up having fun and laughing and to my surprise I felt a bit better by the time I left.

I had saved some Christmas lunch for M and drove home thinking now that he had had time to cool down and see that there was nothing to worry about we would have a lovely Christmas together.
It was really cold that night, and since it had been quite mild in the run up to Christmas and I was driving my coat was in the flat, so I hurried inside closing the door and relishing the warmth of the flat.
I went into the kitchen to put down M’s plate and went off to find him.

He was in the bedroom and my dress from the night before was in his hands.
‘Hey, I brought back some dinner for you.’
He looked up at me and said nothing.
‘What you doing with my dress? Give it here, I will bung it in the wash basket, it needs to go to the dry cleaners.’
He threw the dress at me and stood up walking quickly over to me his face clouded over and I panicked. Something else had happened but for the life of me I couldn’t think what.
‘Your dress is ripped, you whore! You stood here and told me to my face that you were not cheating on me and you come home with your dress ripped! How did it get ripped then C? Hum? Who tore it off you???’
He had my pinned against the wall and my hands instinctively drew up in front of me.
’I don’t know, I was drunk, maybe I tripped and caught it on something.’ I stuttered.
‘Don’t lie to me!’ He yelled his face so close to mine, I screwed my eyes up closed and tried to push him away.
‘I am not! Please M you are scaring me!’
He backed off and I breathed out in relief.
‘M nothing happened I promise. I love you. Please, please can we just curl up and go to bed?’
‘You’re a lying whore why would I let you in my bed?’
‘What M no, I haven’t done anything! How many times do I have to tell you?’
‘Lies!’ He yelled.
Something inside me clicked and I thought I don’t have to put up with this. I have done nothing wrong.
‘Right, I am going to my mums’ now, tonight. You can spend Christmas here with your stupid accusations and made up stories and I will spend it with my family!’

I strode over to the chest of drawers and pulled out some socks, as I bent to open the next drawer down I felt M grab my hair. He dragged me out of the room by my hair and down the corridor to the front door.
‘M don’t please, let go, you are hurting me! Please don’t!’
I screamed as I clawed at his hand and arm.

He pulled me up and slammed me into the wall my head snapped back and I felt it make contact with the wall behind, I tried to push him off me but he was too strong, my head was dazed from the blow to the wall and I couldn’t think straight.
‘Please, stop’ I cried.

‘Get out whore!’ He screamed in my face and then he grabbed me bodily, opened the front door and threw me through it. My left temple caught the frame as I flew through the air and then I made contact with the wall opposite. My body crunched into the wall my head lolled to the side and I heard the door slam.

I stayed still for ages, scared to move everywhere hurt, especially my head. Then I heard a buzz and I realised I had my phone in my pocket. I pulled it out, it was a text from my dad saying Merry Christmas and sending his love to me and M.
I started to cry, my left eye stung as it was already swelling from the impact on the door frame.

I needed to move I needed to leave, but my car keys, my purse my shoes, everything were inside the flat. I couldn’t go anywhere without going back in there. The thought terrified me, M was still there.
But I had to get them, I stood up shakily, only belatedly realising how cold it was in the hallway.
I had to do this I couldn’t leave unless I had my car keys and I could go outside in just socks.

I shuffled over to the door and knocked.
I knocked again and heard a noise behind the door
‘M? I need my things, let me in and I will go I promise.’

My head was pounding, my whole body felt like I had gone through several rounds in the ring and I just wanted to be anywhere but here.
‘I told you to leave C. For fuck sake I don’t want you here go!’
‘I am trying to but everything I need to leave is in your flat, I have no shoes on, no coat, no car keys and my families presents are in there. I just need 5 minutes. Please!’ I begged.
‘M, I need those things! Let me in!’

I didn’t know what to do, so I banged on the door loudly, amazed that none of the neighbouring flats had opened their doors to see what the problem was.
Suddenly the door opened and I almost fell in.
‘Thank you..’ I started to stay.

Then I felt a blow to my stomach as he pushed me backwards with both hands.
‘Fuck off you’re not coming in!’
The door slammed again as I slammed into the wall opposite again.
Shakily I got my phone out and dialled 999.

Through tears I explained what had happened to the lady on the phone and sat on the floor crying as she told me to stay on the line help was on the way.

Flashing blue lights filled the hallway and a policeman came and asked me if I was ok. He gentally helped me up and suggested did I move and sit in their Police van. Slowly with his help I got out into the cold and across the car park to the van.
Inside they wrapped a blanket around me and took my statement.

I was so tired and I hurt all over I wanted to go to sleep, but now they were asking if I could call anyone to come get me, I couldn’t drive in the state I was in and I should be with family.
I let them call my brother and leaned back against the seat, tears rolled down my face in silence I didn’t want to think.

‘Well, C we have tired knocking but he isn’t opening the door. We have checked and he does have previous but since you don’t own the property we can’t enter without his consent. We are going to continue requesting access but it may take some time. Your brother is coming he will be here soon to take you to your mothers. We will keep you updated and we should hopefully be able to get you access to your things. Now do you want to press charges?’
‘Against M for assult?’
‘I, I don’t know. He’s…’
My head was working so slowly I couldn’t quite comprehend what it would mean to M if I did press charges.
‘C it’s up to you, as I mentioned he does have previous I can’t tell you for what. But he shouldn’t have done this to you and if you press charges a warrent is likely to be issued tonight for his arrest.
Minutes passed I started out the window, previous? Previous what?
‘I don’t know.’ I repeated
‘Ok, look we have your statement and your details, it’s getting late and I know you don’t want to be here. How about we call you in the mornign with the update and you can decide then?’

My brother arrived, he helped me out the van and in my socks, jeans and jumper I got into his car, he seat belted me in first then got in and drove me to Mums.
We were almost at our turning on the M11 when I saw M’s car following us. I told my brother and he assured me it would be ok, I was safe.

We were just turning into my mums road when my brother suddenly turned and drew the car up sideways across the road, when M turned in he stopped and got out.
My brother was standing blocking M’s way to his car.

‘Go home M, she doesn’t want to see you.’
M laughed,
‘Being the big man are we R? Get out the way I want to talk to my fiancée.’
‘No, leave now or we call the police again.’

M looked past R into his car at me, I turned my face away I couldn’t bear this.
Thankfully M turned and got into his car and with a squeal of tires he left.

At my mums, she gently cleaned my face and dabbed onica onto my bruises. I already had an impressive black eye and other bruises were appearing on my body. I ached all over but felt numb.

C xo

©2014 C xo

Merry Christmas

As the festive season got underway, invites rolled in. Now I love Christmas, I love the decoration, the food, sending cards, the cheer and basically everything! So I was very excited and I wanted to share Christmas was M. Our previous celebrations had been sombre for obvious reasons and so this year I wanted to make it special.

But M didn’t want to socialise, he said he was really busy at work and when he was done he just wanted to relax at home. I couldn’t say no to all of my friends and family’s invites so I went to a few events on my own. I tried to include M by sending silly pictures and bringing back yummy food. M however didn’t appreciate that and instead made snide comments about cheap wine and stupid gifts and instead of feeling festive he got steadily moodier.

As with most offices mine was gearing up for a rip roaring Christmas party, ours was on the 23rd Dec, pretty late and I had great fun shopping for a dress for the theme. On the 22nd I put the dress on and asked M what he thought, since it was a 1920’s theme I wanted to look glamorous and all glittery. As I twirled in front of him, I saw his eyes grow dark. I stopped stumbling slightly and went over to him.
‘Well, am I a glamorous Flapper?’ I asked trying not to sound nervous.
He regarded me for a long moment, and my mind flitted back to the summer, the day I moved in. My throat went dry and I took a slight step back.
‘More slapper, it’s a bit tight don’t you think?’
I thought wildly that I must keep calm, so I laughed as best I could and said,
‘No it’s the style!’
‘You’re going to a lot of effort. Trying to impress someone?’
‘What? No I just like parties, you know that!’
‘Yes I had noticed, you’re always going out, reeking of perfume recently. So go on who is he, is from your office?’
I stood there stunned, I had done nothing wrong and I really was just a girl that liked getting dressed up. There was no one at my office, no one anywhere in fact that I liked or had thought about like that.
‘M, don’t be silly, I love you! It’s just a Christmas party!’
‘I don’t want you to go.’
‘What? It’s my office Christmas party it starts at 1pm on Wednesday of course I have to go! It’s not really a choice thing!’
‘Right, I see and if nothing is going on why are you staying at ‘your friends’ that night?’

I had mentioned a few days ago that a few of the girls were staying at K’s house after the party, we could share a cab and all feel grotty together the next day.
‘I am staying at K’s! The only guy in the house will be her husband! It’s just easier! But if it bothers you that much I will come home after!’
‘I wouldn’t want to ruin your night with your other man’
‘Oh for god’s sake M! Nothing is going on you are being ridiculous and jealous over nothing!’
I was starting to get annoyed now, I had done nothing wrong and yet he was being like this!
‘I’m ridiculous? I’m not the one dressed up like a tart dousing perfume all over myself and traipsing around Essex with god knows who!’
Now I was fuming, I whipped around, and yelled
‘I am not going to argue about this! I am not having an affair or dressing up for anyone. It’s just a party that’s all!’
He took a step towards me and roughly grabbed my wrist, I flinched away involuntarily feeling a chill go down my spine.
‘I don’t believe you.’

I looked at M and couldn’t understand his insecurities, I had been out with friends a bit more than usual sure, but there was nothing to worry about and he should trust me.
‘Ok, I think we both need to cool down. I am going to go stay at J’s I can go to work with her and I will be back on the 24th.’
I left the room, feeling stupidly gaudy in my sequinned dress. I quickly changed and threw a few bits in a bag.
I went back into the lounge where M was sitting on the sofa with his head in his hands. He looked up and the coldness in his eyes scared me, I backed up, suddenly glad to be leaving.
‘Just go.’

C xo

©2014 C xo


The bruises on my neck were ugly, and my clothes were still at the flat. I had run to my friend C’s I couldn’t face my family, I didn’t want them to know what had happened, how could I explain why he had done this? I was embarrassed.

C lent me clothes and helped me with make up to stop people at work asking questions. More than anything the physical pain was the least of it, I couldn’t stop thinking it was my fault, how was M feeling, was he sorry too? My mind went round and round but I didn’t have the courage to call him.

It took M two days to call me, by then my head was so muddled. I didn’t know what to think. He had never been violent before, and everything was going so well! He had moved back to the UK for me. He loved me didn’t he? This was surely a one off he was just stressed and had been bottling it up.

I answered the phone, knowing that I wanted to hear his voice, but scared at what I would do. My bruises were still blooming horribly around my neck and the bump on my head was so sore. But my heart leapt at the sound of his voice.

It took him only 18 minutes to persuade me to go meet him.

When he saw me, I saw tears in his eyes. He never cried. I felt myself melt inside and as he held out his hand inches from my face, silently asking me if it was ok to touch me, I nodded.

He gently traced my jaw and then down onto my neck where the now angry purple bruises were showing through even thick foundation.

‘I’m so sorry C, I’m sorry, god I’m sorry. Can you forgive me? What can I do to make this right again. I need you. I’m so sorry!’

His tears fell quickly now and his face looked so anguished, I just wanted to make him feel better so I took him in my arms and cradled him as his tears fell.

‘It’s going to be ok’ I whispered. As much to M as to myself.

It had to be ok, it just had to be.

So we went home, we laid in bed holding each other close all night, he truly was sorry, I knew that and I loved him. So I had to forgive him, that was part of being in a relationship.

We fell into an easy routine, M was so caring and thoughtful he was trying to make up for his mistake. I thought then that I had made the right decision it was a one off.

Not long after that M came home with a file and at dinner he placed it in front of me. Bewildered I opened it, it was house details, houses for sale.

‘What’s all this?’

‘I want us to have our own home, a house. Somewhere we can make our own. A place to be a family.’

‘Oh M!’ It was such a surprise, we had been getting on so well and this was something I had dreamed of for a long time.

‘Are you sure? I mean how can we afford it? These are 3 bedroom houses, oh gosh this one is £290,000!!!!’

‘Don’t worry about that we can manage, if you like I have arranged some viewings for later this week.’ He looked so tentative and worried I laughed. Was he nuts? Of course I did!

And so that is how we found ourselves falling in love with a 3 bed semi-detached house with a wild garden in Waltham Abbey only the second house we saw. We walked in and I instantly felt at ease. I turned to M with a huge grin on my face and saw it mirrored.

Before I knew it, M was having surveys done and by the beginning of December our offer had gone in and been accepted!

We were buying a house!!!

It was perfect A gorgeous semidetached Victorian terrace house with sash windows, tile and iron fireplaces, lovely Victorian doors and the most gorgeous little kitchen with a bath stone sink. I could just see myself in there baking and in the summer the door to the garden would be open and we could have bbq’s and the bay in the front room would look so pretty with the Christmas tree in it.

We only had to wait a few weeks and then it would be ours!

I marvelled at how life can change so quickly only 4 1/2 months ago I thought I had to leave M but here we were living our fairy tale once more.

It must be fate, our lives had been so entwined for 12 years, love isn’t always easy I knew that now.

C xo

©2014 C xo

Playing House

By Easter 2010 M was back in the UK, he moved into his sisters flat in North London. She was moving into a new house in a couple of weeks and it was a two bed close to a station that went straight into town. Perfect for M’s new job back in the city. We spent as much time together as we could. It was rare for us to go out with a group of friends and even rarer for us to go see family together now. After so long apart I didn’t mind having M all to myself and I didn’t question it. Then as summer started M asked me if I would move in with him into his sister’s flat.

Living together again, my heart swelled and I thought finally things are getting back on track, we can be a proper couple and put the past behind us.

Being a girly girl I had a fair sized wardrobe of dresses and shoes and since it was summer of course I celebrated my new home with a little shopping trip, I wanted my wardrobe to reflect my mood, bright and happy.

So at the beginning of August I moved in, it was a bright Saturday my car was packed with my belongings and I kissed my mum goodbye and set off to start my life with M. Again!

I arrived just after lunch time and with both of us carrying all my bags and boxes were installed into the ground floor flat in no time.

Of course the unpacking went a little by the wayside as we celebrated being in our own place in several rooms.

Later on I decieded I should get everything out of my bags and put away. Luckily since it wasn’t a big flat we could use the 2nd bedroom as an office/ walk in wardrobe area. I was humming as I got dresses out of my bag and onto the hangers. I didn’t realise that M was leaning against the doorframe watching me and when I did I struck a pose with the item in my hand at the time.

‘So what do you think?’

It was a tropical print halter neck playsuit in bright pinks, blues, greens and yellow.

He regarded me for a long moment, his eyes clouding over and his lips pursed. I thought oh my he likes it, I was very wrong. Suddenly his posture shifted and the meance in his voice when he whispered

‘I hate it, you’re not going to be wearing that’ Chilled me.

I was unsure as to if he was joking and decided to try to laugh it off, so I laughed, and smiled.

‘Don’t be so daft! Of course I’m going to wear it, its new!’

I turned and reached for a hanger, when I heard him barely whisper,

‘Did you not hear me?’

Starting to feel annoyed I turned back around and looked at him, he was being serious, what was wrong with him, it was just a playsuit, it wasn’t that short or revealing and ok it was a bold print but thats why I liked it!

‘What’s wrong with it?’

‘It’s hideous and I am not having that hung in my wardrobe!’

Stunned, I looked at him trying to work out what had happened to make him act so odd all of a sudden, he hadn’t been drinking and only a few short hours ago we had been as close as a couple can be, I decided to just call his bluff and get on with my unpacking, he was being ridiculous!

‘M, your being silly, and ok you might not like it but I do!’

Defiantly I turned back and placed the playsuit first on the hanger and then onto the rail. There silly tiff over!

I carried on humming and bent to pick up the next item from my suitcase. Which is why I didn’t see him coming.

As I straightened up, he took two quick strides across the room and grabbed me around the neck, pushing back with such force I stumbled and felt my head hit the way behind me with a loud crack.

White dots burst in front of my eyes as M’s hand constricted my windpipe. I struggled to focus and when I did his face was now only an inch from mine, his eyes burning with anger and hate.

I couldn’t move, my hands were scratching at his hold on my neck desperately trying to stop him, I couldn’t scream or say no.

‘You just don’t learn, do what you are fucking told. You know what happens when you don’t listen to me. Do you want me to leave again?’

As he said each word he lifted me from the wall behind and then pushed me back again repeatedly smacking my head on the wall.

I started to feel faint, and my hands loosened from his, the effort of struggling against him and the lack of air were pushing me close to unconsciousness.

Just as suddenly as he had come at me he stopped. His hand fell away from my neck and he turned and walked out of the room.

‘Make sure you clear up your crap before you come to bed, it looks like a tarts bedroom in here’

Then the door closed queitly.

I slid down the wall to the floor, gasping for air, every gulp bliss and pain combined. My head was swimming I could not think straight.

Was that really my M? What had just happened?

Then instinct kicked in, you need to get out.

Slowly and shakily I stood up. I was struggling to focus and think what I needed to do to leave, but slowly I realised I needed my handbag which was in the living room, in it my car keys and phone. I needed those if I was going to be able to get away.

I had thought I had heard the bedroom door close and not reopen, so I decided to run for it.

As I opened the door, I checked I was right and to my relief I was. I crept into the hall, thankful I was wearing trainers. Grabbed my bag from the living room, all the time my heart hammering in my chest, my breathing sounded so loud I was sure it would give me away at any moment. I turned back into the hall and bolted out the front door.

C xo

©2014 C xo

Valentines Surprise

M flew back for Valentine’s Day, we checked into a hotel and managed to break the bed on our first night, it was an excellent weekend. But that was not all he also had a surprise for me. On the Saturday night after a lovely meal he drove us out to a small spot in the countryside and parked overlooking a moonlit pond.

He turned to me and told me he was coming home, he had put in for a London office job and he had been accepted and would be back in time for Easter.

That was the very best present he could have given me he was coming home after 11 months, I screamed and showered him with kisses, scarcely believing it was true.

Then it got better.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a box, he handed it to me in silence and looked at me waiting for me to open it.

I looked down at the box, it was small the size of a ring box and we were in such a romantic spot, could this really be another ring?

I opened it, and nestled inside was my ring, my beautiful engagement ring that I had last seen being thrown into a bin.

‘I went back for it, I couldn’t leave it, it’s part of you, part of us. C will you marry me?’ He whispered. He looked so scared and handsome. I didn’t have to think.

I said yes to M for a second time, and watched as he slid the ring onto my finger.

I loved him and he loved me and now he was going home and we were to be married. I had wanted this for so long and now its was happening.

This time when I said Goodbye I knew it wasn’t for long and soon my man would be back here with me.

C xo

©2014 C xo