I went to the office party feeling blue, M had not responded to my texts ‘Goodnight xx’ last night or ‘I miss you x’ text this morning.
So I got drunk.
It was pretty easy since it was an open bar. I drank, I cried in the loos. It was not a good time. K and my friends got me back to hers and put me to bed on the sofa.
Blissfully I passed out.
I woke up the next morning abruptly with a cat on my chest purring in my face, since I did not know K had a cat this was a surprise and I jack knifed upright and screamed, the poor cat fled and hid under the table.
My head was not thankful for its sudden position upright or the noise. My hangover was awful, I had mixed drinks and since I don’t normally drink wine or beer my body was just not used to this.
I drove home hoping that M would be in a better mood and praying that we wouldn’t fight, I didn’t think my head could take it today.
We were due to go to my Dad’s for a Christmas lunch and if we were going to make it in time I needed to step on it and go home and shower.
As I turned the key in the lock, I listened out for signs of M. The flat was quiet, I looked in all the rooms he was out.
Ok, so I texted him I was back and that we needed to leave in 1 hour for my Dad’s and jumped into the shower.
Emerging 20 minutes later feeling only marginally better I found M sitting on our bed.
‘Hi’ I said suddenly feeling shy.
‘Hi, how was the party then?’
‘Honestly from what I remember awful, I wasn’t really feeling in the party mood and well I got a bit drunk.’
I looked down at him willing him to smile and pull me into his lap and laugh at my hangover misery.
‘Of course you did.’
Since he was talking to me, I thought it might be best to just move on from our fight. Clearly I had to make the first move so I walked over to him and sat on the bed.
‘I missed you, I wish I had been here instead.’
I put my head on his shoulder and willed him to say he had missed me too. He didn’t put his arm around me instead he stayed still/
‘Right, well you best hurry you don’t want to be late for your Dad’
Hold up, we were going not just me.
‘Don’t you mean we should get going?’
‘C I don’t feel like smiling and playing nice at your Dads. I’m not going.’
‘But he is expecting us! I’m sorry about the other day, we both got angry but there was nothing to be angry about. Can’t we just forget it and have a nice Christmas?’
‘I’m not going alright, just go have fun and I will see you when you get back.’
So off I went to my Dads, lying to him and my brother that M wasn’t feeling well. My hangover got worse not better and I felt sad. Since my brother and Dad were not aware of what was going on they assumed I was missing M and tried to cheer me up. I ended up having fun and laughing and to my surprise I felt a bit better by the time I left.
I had saved some Christmas lunch for M and drove home thinking now that he had had time to cool down and see that there was nothing to worry about we would have a lovely Christmas together.
It was really cold that night, and since it had been quite mild in the run up to Christmas and I was driving my coat was in the flat, so I hurried inside closing the door and relishing the warmth of the flat.
I went into the kitchen to put down M’s plate and went off to find him.
He was in the bedroom and my dress from the night before was in his hands.
‘Hey, I brought back some dinner for you.’
He looked up at me and said nothing.
‘What you doing with my dress? Give it here, I will bung it in the wash basket, it needs to go to the dry cleaners.’
He threw the dress at me and stood up walking quickly over to me his face clouded over and I panicked. Something else had happened but for the life of me I couldn’t think what.
‘Your dress is ripped, you whore! You stood here and told me to my face that you were not cheating on me and you come home with your dress ripped! How did it get ripped then C? Hum? Who tore it off you???’
He had my pinned against the wall and my hands instinctively drew up in front of me.
’I don’t know, I was drunk, maybe I tripped and caught it on something.’ I stuttered.
‘Don’t lie to me!’ He yelled his face so close to mine, I screwed my eyes up closed and tried to push him away.
‘I am not! Please M you are scaring me!’
He backed off and I breathed out in relief.
‘M nothing happened I promise. I love you. Please, please can we just curl up and go to bed?’
‘You’re a lying whore why would I let you in my bed?’
‘What M no, I haven’t done anything! How many times do I have to tell you?’
‘Lies!’ He yelled.
Something inside me clicked and I thought I don’t have to put up with this. I have done nothing wrong.
‘Right, I am going to my mums’ now, tonight. You can spend Christmas here with your stupid accusations and made up stories and I will spend it with my family!’
I strode over to the chest of drawers and pulled out some socks, as I bent to open the next drawer down I felt M grab my hair. He dragged me out of the room by my hair and down the corridor to the front door.
‘M don’t please, let go, you are hurting me! Please don’t!’
I screamed as I clawed at his hand and arm.
He pulled me up and slammed me into the wall my head snapped back and I felt it make contact with the wall behind, I tried to push him off me but he was too strong, my head was dazed from the blow to the wall and I couldn’t think straight.
‘Please, stop’ I cried.
‘Get out whore!’ He screamed in my face and then he grabbed me bodily, opened the front door and threw me through it. My left temple caught the frame as I flew through the air and then I made contact with the wall opposite. My body crunched into the wall my head lolled to the side and I heard the door slam.
I stayed still for ages, scared to move everywhere hurt, especially my head. Then I heard a buzz and I realised I had my phone in my pocket. I pulled it out, it was a text from my dad saying Merry Christmas and sending his love to me and M.
I started to cry, my left eye stung as it was already swelling from the impact on the door frame.
I needed to move I needed to leave, but my car keys, my purse my shoes, everything were inside the flat. I couldn’t go anywhere without going back in there. The thought terrified me, M was still there.
But I had to get them, I stood up shakily, only belatedly realising how cold it was in the hallway.
I had to do this I couldn’t leave unless I had my car keys and I could go outside in just socks.
I shuffled over to the door and knocked.
I knocked again and heard a noise behind the door
‘M? I need my things, let me in and I will go I promise.’
My head was pounding, my whole body felt like I had gone through several rounds in the ring and I just wanted to be anywhere but here.
‘I told you to leave C. For fuck sake I don’t want you here go!’
‘I am trying to but everything I need to leave is in your flat, I have no shoes on, no coat, no car keys and my families presents are in there. I just need 5 minutes. Please!’ I begged.
‘M, I need those things! Let me in!’
I didn’t know what to do, so I banged on the door loudly, amazed that none of the neighbouring flats had opened their doors to see what the problem was.
Suddenly the door opened and I almost fell in.
‘Thank you..’ I started to stay.
Then I felt a blow to my stomach as he pushed me backwards with both hands.
‘Fuck off you’re not coming in!’
The door slammed again as I slammed into the wall opposite again.
Shakily I got my phone out and dialled 999.
Through tears I explained what had happened to the lady on the phone and sat on the floor crying as she told me to stay on the line help was on the way.
Flashing blue lights filled the hallway and a policeman came and asked me if I was ok. He gentally helped me up and suggested did I move and sit in their Police van. Slowly with his help I got out into the cold and across the car park to the van.
Inside they wrapped a blanket around me and took my statement.
I was so tired and I hurt all over I wanted to go to sleep, but now they were asking if I could call anyone to come get me, I couldn’t drive in the state I was in and I should be with family.
I let them call my brother and leaned back against the seat, tears rolled down my face in silence I didn’t want to think.
‘Well, C we have tired knocking but he isn’t opening the door. We have checked and he does have previous but since you don’t own the property we can’t enter without his consent. We are going to continue requesting access but it may take some time. Your brother is coming he will be here soon to take you to your mothers. We will keep you updated and we should hopefully be able to get you access to your things. Now do you want to press charges?’
‘Against M for assult?’
‘I, I don’t know. He’s…’
My head was working so slowly I couldn’t quite comprehend what it would mean to M if I did press charges.
‘C it’s up to you, as I mentioned he does have previous I can’t tell you for what. But he shouldn’t have done this to you and if you press charges a warrent is likely to be issued tonight for his arrest.
Minutes passed I started out the window, previous? Previous what?
‘I don’t know.’ I repeated
‘Ok, look we have your statement and your details, it’s getting late and I know you don’t want to be here. How about we call you in the mornign with the update and you can decide then?’
My brother arrived, he helped me out the van and in my socks, jeans and jumper I got into his car, he seat belted me in first then got in and drove me to Mums.
We were almost at our turning on the M11 when I saw M’s car following us. I told my brother and he assured me it would be ok, I was safe.
We were just turning into my mums road when my brother suddenly turned and drew the car up sideways across the road, when M turned in he stopped and got out.
My brother was standing blocking M’s way to his car.
‘Go home M, she doesn’t want to see you.’
‘Being the big man are we R? Get out the way I want to talk to my fiancée.’
‘No, leave now or we call the police again.’
M looked past R into his car at me, I turned my face away I couldn’t bear this.
Thankfully M turned and got into his car and with a squeal of tires he left.
At my mums, she gently cleaned my face and dabbed onica onto my bruises. I already had an impressive black eye and other bruises were appearing on my body. I ached all over but felt numb.
©2014 C xo