All posts by C


I felt so drained and knew I had done all I could , so we left quietly and left the case to continue without us. Mum and T dropped me off at the train station and I thanked them about 6 times for their support and for being there with me today.

As I sat on the train I felt a small weight lift form my shoulders, finally the day had come and I had stood up and spoken up as I had needed to and maybe that would be the last time I have to deal with police statements and witness services and courtrooms. I allowed myself a small smile and settled in for my journey home.

As I walked up the drive I felt a huge sense of relief, this is my oasis, my home that M has no idea of. He hasn’t even got the slightest inkling as to where I live now and my name and that was a beautifully comforting thing.

I changed out of my smart dress and jacket and put on some comfy PJs and curled up on the sofa. I stayed there until my gorgeous man came home and spent the evening curled up in his arms feeling safe and happy with my life.

The next day I woke to the realisation I would know if all the worry and stress had been worth it, we would know the verdict today. I spent the day pottering around at home making sure my phone was on and in reach at all times.

It finally rang at 4.47pm and I heard my case officer K’s voice,

‘Hello C, the court has adjourned for the day and we will be back in the morning, today ran over and they need to do closing statements and then at about 11am the jury will go to make its verdict.’

My heart fell and I realised that more waiting would be required, I was going to be at work tomorrow and I knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate from 11am onwards, it would be impossible.

I thanked her and sat down feeling all the nervous energy go back to worry and knew a sleepless night was ahead for me.

C xo

Reliving a Nightmare

I took my affirmation and waited standing in a daze until the judge spoke,
‘You may sit if you wish’

I thankfully sank down into the seat and tried to stop my gaze from going a little to the right where M was sat staring at me.

First up was the prosecution, they are on my side and are trying to prove M’s guilt. I had meet her earlier and all I could think was she hasn’t told me what I can’t say just that I might not be able to say somethings.

As it happened she skillfully questioned me about my early relationship with M and how it had turned controlling and violent without going into too much detail, she then asked about what happened when I left him that final time in March 2012.

I took a deep breathe and started to talk, she asked questions here and there to move me along the time line and limiting detail on the bits she felt I should not mention.

I couldn’t avoid talking about the cards or the website though and tears ran down my cheeks as I felt them burn with shame all over again. I took a sip of the water they had provided to me and it tasted stale.

I was reliving some of the worst moments of my life and as I gazed out at the room I saw the jury and wondered do they look bored or are they just concentrating?

I was brought back to my reason for begin there and asked about the day and night in question, I answered truthfully, simply stating the facts that I had run home I was training for a marathon, I had cooked dinner, spoken to my boyfriend on the phone and watched TV before turning into bed at 10.20pm.

No I don’t drink often, why is that? She asked. I stuttered as I tried to explain that I do not like the feeling of not being in control that drinking causes and besides training for a marathon didn’t leave room for alcohol, it sort of defeated the object of training.

With that I was told,
‘no further questions.’

The judge looked at the time and called the court to order and to break for lunch. I was lead out where I saw my mum with red eyes she had been crying too, and I burst into tears. I couldn’t hold back any longer I felt sick and dizzy and my mum and T took a hand each and lead me to the lifts. Without noticing where I was going I was sat down in a chair in the witness suite.

A glass of water was placed gently into my hands and my mum sat down beside me.
‘Well done you were brilliant, first bit done now, you are almost there.’

I tried to smile and it came out wrong so instead I reached for a tissue and blew my nose.

The next hour both flew by and crawled by it was so odd, once again I forced myself to eat the lunch I had prepared whilst Mum and T made conversation. Once the food was eaten we went back to the puzzle, it really was an excellent choice of distraction I should tell them that I thought.

The at 2.05pm I was called again, I walked knowing that this time it would be worse. That the defense was going to try and prove I was a lair and that I had in fact broken into M’s house as M claimed, drunk out of my mind and trashed it.

I sat in the little cold room, and saw the court clerk open the door and beckoning me to enter the court, the sounds of the court dimmed as I walked in and took my seat in the stand once again. I kept my face forward and tried not to look a little to my right.

Then the defense lawyer stood up and started his questioning.

Time and time again I said no to his accusations, as he lead the jury through the allegation M had made, no I did not break in, no I did not access the house through that window, no through that door, no through the garden….

No I did not hack his Skype account, no I did not message anyone, no I did not tear up wedding invites, no I did not smash a photo frame.

No I was not drunk, No I did not get into M’s bed, No I did not see him and No I did not stay there the night.

No I did not slip and get drunk to drown my sorrows that Tuesday night, No I do not drink, nor did I have any drinks that evening.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO……..

He went on and on again and again asking the same questions a different way, saying ‘Isn’t in true that you…’ Isn’t it correct that…’

I felt exhausted and my throat hurt, I could only answer with the truth no.

Lastly he asked,
‘Isn’t it true that you dislike, even hate M, that you would like to see him back in prison.’

I looked at the jury for what seemed like ages and took a deep breathe,
‘I do hate M for what he has done to me and all that he has put me through. But I am also terrified of him, I have done everything I can to hide myself away from him, to stop him from hurting me further and I would never willingly put myself in a room with him, I would never go near him or step into a place I have known him to frequent. I never want to see him again in my life that is all I want.
He should go to prison for what he has done, but that’s not my choice or my doing, it is his.’

I waited thinking that’s it he will pounce on me because I said I hate M, but I was under oath I do Hate M. But he will try to twist my words into revenge or malice.

A full minute passed as the defense lawyer looked at his papers and then he cleared his throat and I braced myself,
‘No further questions, my lord.’

I blinked at him in surprise, what???

‘You are free to go c, please follow the clerk out.’

‘Thank you.’ I mumbled.

I stood up too quickly and my head swam, I located the clerk and followed him out, as I turned I saw M smiling mouthing something to me.

I have no idea what I can’t lip read.

C xo

Facing M in Court again

On Monday I went to the crown court in Chelmsford I was lead in through a back entrance to ensure I would not bump into M and I sat down waiting in the witness suite, this was at 9.15am.

Shortly after I arrived a witness care worker showed me the layout of the courtroom so that I knew where M was, I had turned down the offer of a screen as I did previously as I did not want to give M the satisfaction of hiding from him.

My stomach was churning and the small breakfast I had made myself eat felt like it might make a return any moment. But I stayed seated and listened to the advice I had heard once before nearly 3 years ago now.

Next came the prosecutor who was to the point and brief, she warned me I might have to omit certain details of previous crimes M had done to me as this was a new case and they can’t focus on previous actions. I looked at her in shock that is all I have!

It is my word against M’s! He is lying and all I can say is I was at home asleep I did not do what he said I did and the reason why I would never do it is because I am terrified of him, I would never put myself in a room with him or seek him out.

My head started to swim and I heard my mum ask about the defense, they carried on talking and I heard words like stick to the truth, be brief, it will be harder than last time.

I stared ahead not really hearing much, if I can’t say why I can’t be near him how will the jury understand?

They all suddenly stood up and I realised they needed to go, they were due in court for 10.30am.

My mum squeezed my hand and said how about we go look at that puzzle in the corner while we wait. I nodded but mumbled I needed the loo and stood up and made it to the loo in time before the panic attack took hold.

I sat on the closed seat and tried to control my breathing I hated him so much for putting me through this and for having to feel like this again. Gradually I started to calm down I started counting out loud shakily from 1 to 100 and by 62 my breathing was evening out.

My head felt faint and as I tried to take deep breathes tears ran down my face. No no no I can’t cry now I need to keep it together!

I pressed tissues to my eyes tipping my head backwards hoping they would stop.

A knock came on the door and I heard my mums voice,
‘Are you ok?’

‘Yes, sorry I will be out in a minute’ I hurriedly brushed the wetness from my face and splashed cold water on my stinging eyes. I looked up and saw my face was pale and my eyes were blood shot, I hated looking like this and wanted so badly to be able to walk in with my head held high.

I opened the door to see my mum looking concerned, I told her about the panic attack and she hugged me fiercely. We walked out and went to the puzzle, it was very complicated and an excellent distraction- obviously why it was there.

The minutes ticked by and I realised it was 11am they had said I should be called sometime soon, deep breathes in and out in and out.

12 minutes later my case officer came in and I though ok this is it.

But she told me there was a delay with the previous case and we will have to wait, we might not get to me today. I sat back down with a bump, more waiting I don’t know if I can bear it.

So we waited.

Then at 12.10pm I was called.

I stood up and smoothed my skirt down, I can do this, I have done this before. I repeated this mantra in my head over and over

We followed the witness care worker and suddenly all too quickly I said goodbye to my Mum and T and I was alone waiting in a little cold room and behind the door lay the court and in that court was M.

My knees shock and I tried to stop them, I took long breathes and tried to keep my mind clear and to remember where to look as I walked into the court.

My heartbeat sounded like thunder in my chest and every breathe out sounded ragged as if I had run up a hill.

Suddenly the door opened and the court clerk came in and asked me if I wanted to swear on the bible or affirm, I mumbled affirm so quietly he had to ask me again.

He held the door open for me and I stood up and walked forward, my body didn’t feel like my own as the courtroom came into view 12 jury members stared at me and I forgot where not to look and I saw M.

He was staring at me too and he was smiling…

C xo

Any moment now my phone should ring…

Today is the day I should get a call to say you need to be in court on Monday 27th Feb 2017.

I woke up feeling sick, wondering if despite the court director assuring me the hearing can not be moved again, would it be? I have stared at my phone too many times today and my concentration is shot to pieces.

I need for this to be over, I want to move on and as much as I do not want to walk into the court room with M staring at me I know that it won’t end until I do.

I have recently joined a community that is incredibly supportive and kind in all matters of life and today I shared what is happening with them and I have been over whelmed with their kindness and support which has helped imensley. This has helped and I know there are so many people out there who have battled as I have some have lost and some have won. I am sadly one of many.

But on Monday as my mum watches from the benches I will have to walk alone to the stand and be called a lair and my character will be put into question in front of a judge and jury. I am praying that they will see M for what he is and find him guilty and lock him away for many years.

I know I will have to recount every moment of horror that M rained down on my to help the prosecution do their job, its not going to be my favorite ever Monday but also not my worst and I am holding on to that.

18 months ago I got a new tattoo, it was a symbol of who I am and to remind myself that M can’t own me, he can’t take my life away from me and that I am free.

C xo

Waiting is Hard

It has been a long while since I have posted and now you get 2 in one day! Well thats’ mostly because in terms of M  there has been a lot of waiting.

I was waiting after that call, living and trying to keep the dark feelings away at the back of my mind day by day I tried to smile and move on but really I mostly waited, quietly and patiently for the day I had to face M again.

Stalking is in the news a lot at the moment and that is good and the changes to the laws which are now taking stalking seriously is such good news but I can’t help but think where was the support and reassurance for me when I was experiencing the bleakest years of my life at the mercy of M? Why didn’t the CPS see what M was still doign to me and why didn’t they charge him this time?

I titled this waiting is hard as I had been waiting for a long time, waiting for that call. I waited  until the New Year and then throughout Janurary then during the court dates  that had been set in February 2016, only to be told no the court was too busy wait until April.

I waited again up to and in April for that call the one that I both longed for and dreaded. Longed for because it meant finally maybe this would be over and dreaded because it would mean a day in court facing M reliving every moment of fear, terror and pain he had caused me.

But once again sorry the court was too busy, wait until September.

So I did I tried hard to cope with the mounting anxiety and the nightmares that plagued me as I tried to arrange the events of all those years in my head so I could recount them in court.

But once again sorry the court was too busy wait but we don’t know how long for this time.

It was around here I snapped, the meek scared C came flooding back into me and I broke down in tears as I dropped my phone on the floor and rocked back and forth. This will never end.

Waiting to be a witness in crown court, to face a man you fear with every part of you is like torture and to made to endure that build up 3 times over a 9 month period nearly broke me. I have spent years pulling myself back up and putting myself back together and now it wasn’t M pulling the strings it was the courts that were supposed to be there to protect me.

I say I snapped, well I did. I went online and found the court director for Chelmsford Crown Court and called, but I wasn’t allowed to speak to her. So I wrote a letter explaining my disgust at how her court is run and how people like me are just told to wait in line as though it was nothing more than waiting in line at the cinema. How it feels to wait and would she want her sister, mum or daughter to have to live like I have to?

3 weeks waiting again for her reply:

27th February 2017

That’s when I have to see M again, my letter got me a fixed court date.

So Christmas with my family, New Year with my lovely boyfriend, then I will be thinking about what happened again, the nightmares will come back and I will wait for 27/02/17.

Hoping and longing for the day to come and for it to be the end of M. Dreading the day itself and what I will have to face.

C xo

In the dark

Friday came and I waited for news, then I waited some more. Finally at 5.20pm I broke and called the police for an update. But I was told my case officer was now off shift and would be back on Tuesday.

I hung up feeling sick, I didn’t know what had happened in court today. There was every chance M was walking around free since this was the hearing to set a court date.

I went home feeling weary of potential danger and frustrated at the police. I just needed to know what was happening so I could be prepared and if needed extra vigilant. Tuesday seemed to be very far away and as I walked I hated M so much.

My whole world was waiting on the outcome, my approach to life couldn’t be carefree and happy with this weighing down on me. I was fed up and despite it being a Friday evening I plodded on unhappy and went home and locked myself away in my room.

The hours crept by slowly that weekend, I stayed inside and my mood didn’t lift. Finally Tuesday dawned and I waited until 8.31am to call.

M was indeed out of prison and walking around but I was assured he had bail conditions set that would prevent him from getting to me and of course my restraining order still stood.

The terms were that he had to stay in the county of the address he had given in court and report to the local police station 3 times a week.

Ok so where was he living? The police had told me months ago when M was awol that the house on Waltham abbey was abandoned.

‘I can’t tell you where C.’

‘ What? Why not? To protect him from me? He isn’t the victim here!’

‘ No it’s just procedure but rest assured it’s no where near London!’

I hung up the phone feeling disgusted at the lack of support and empathy from the police. They were protecting M!!!

It was obvious to me where he was though. He had been picked up in Lincolnshire when they found him so it made sense he would have given his mothers old house address.

Well I could live with that, it was far away from me and I hoped he would stay that way.

Next came a call from witness care, the crown court date was set for February 2016, a long way away for me. I couldn’t do anything about it but try to live my life while I waited.

C xo

Guilty Plea

I had a wonderful few days revealing in my freedom from fear and I felt like the me I was supposed to be not the one that M wanted to make me into.

Then I got a call that astounded me, M wasn’t due in court until the end of the week but on Tuesday I got a call from my case officer to let me know M had asked to enter a guilty plea and was on route to the court right at that moment.

I almost dropped the phone, M had plead not guilty on every charge from 2012 to 2014 despite finger prints and hard evidence against him and now when it was my word against his he was pleading guilty?!

I realised this would mean I wouldn’t have to appear in court as a witness again and my heart soared. That was an ordeal I dearly wanted to avoid and here was M making that happen!

Finally it seemed to me that M was coming to his senses, he must be realizing the seriousness of the charge he was up against. I was sure his lawyer had told him by now that if he was convicted it would be his second charge of perverting the course of justice and that would mean a heavier sentence.

Happily I called my mum and told her the good news and she cheerfully said that this was it, it was finally ending and I allowed a small part of myself to believe that was true.

My happiness lasted barely 5 hours.

I got another call from my case officer later that day to let me know M had used the ploy of pleading guilty to get in front of a judge to ask for bail.

He had not pleaded guilty.

I was brought back down to reality with a bump, of course he hadn’t pleaded guilty. How could I be so stupid to believe he would? The one saving grace was that he had annoyed the judge and had been kept on remand and would be until his next court appearance on Friday.

Going home that night my feet felt heavy and I was annoyed. In reality I was in the same boat as I was this morning, but the cruel trick M had played today had made me think that this was going to be over. It wasn’t and I knew they were unlikely to keep M in prison until a trial so I steeled myself to enjoy the next 3 days the best I could.

C xo

©2016 C xo


The next few weeks crawled by, I was surprisingly ok with ending things with W. After all it had been rocky for a while and I knew it was the right decision.

But surprisingly I think it was the M situation that made it easier, he was still AWOL and it was now early August. It had been 2 months and M had sucssefully evaded the police the whole time. My mind was consumed, I couldn’t shake the feeling he was planning something new.

I tried to be patient and calm but it wasn’t easy. Where was he????

Then in mid August I called for an update and was told M had been picked up 2 days earlier!

Relief flooded through me as I heard he was on remand due to skipping his bail and due in magistrates court next week for a review of the official charge.

I hung up the phone and jumped up twirling around with my hands in the air.

I felt safe and free for the first time since he had gone missing. A smile broke across my face and I decided I would go out.

As I gathered my things I called my mum and gave her the good news. She was relived too and told me that it would all be alright.

With that I skipped out the house feeling like my world had opened up again. It was sunny, I was safe and I felt safe.

Being safe and feeling safe were two different things to me. Logically I knew M didn’t know my new name, my address or my place of work, in that sense I was as safe as I can be barring a chance meeting or M being at the one places he knew for sure I went like my mums. I had safe guarded myself physically as much as I could.

But feeling safe didn’t always go with being physically safe. M had been able to get to me despite my safe guards, he had orchestrated the situation I was in now from just one false statement to the police months earlier.

Just him being out there unknown to the police sent terror seeping through me- technically I knew he couldn’t find me but the feeling that there was the possibility even a tiny one that he could was all he needed to have a terrible effect on my life.

Knowing M was locked in a room and being watched by a guard was the only thing that gave me complete confidence to get on with my life- to feel safe.

I had been ok after he was released from prison as I had convinced myself that prison would do what it was supposed to do and M would not want to ruin his life any further in order to stalk me.

When the police had called me in March I knew that wasn’t the case and the sad fact was that I now knew he wouldn’t stop. If there was a way to get to me he would use it.

But on today and for the next week I had the comfort that M was locked away and for now I would grab that and run with it because it was all I had.

C xo

©2016 C xo

The last goodbye

I got home exhausted and beyond sad. I didn’t feel like I was myself, everything that was happening was too much, too big and out of my control.

I went to sleep finally at about 1.30am but woke several times thinking I heard tapping at my door. I was so on edge I was hearing things, it felt like I was going mad.

I got up at 9.15am and showered, standing there I wondered what W would be like today. Would the pills be out of his system? Would he now understand that he had had strokes and that drinking was starting to claim parts of him he couldn’t take back?

I set out to drive to the hospital for visiting hours, half way there my phone rang and it was the hospital. What now???

‘C, I’m sorry to tell you but W is missing. He managed to get off the ward 35 mins ago and we can’t find him. The police are aware and will be in contact.’

I was astounded and had so many questions! Where has the security guards been? How was this able to happen 3 times in 48 hours?

W health was at severe risk of collapse and another stroke!

I pulled over the car and waited for the police to call. They took details of W’s address and habits and I was asked to contact his housemate and head to his home.

We all suspected he would try to get to his sisters wedding but his suit was at his flat, so he would need to go there first.

I made my way there and waited for the police. W’s housemate had texted to tell me W had arrived 10 minutes earlier with a bag of beer and he was drinking.

The police arrived and explained they had authority to arrest W and take him back to the hospital if he refused to come willingly as he was sectioned.

However they wanted me to go in first and try to persuade him, they would hold back in the hallway.

Nervously I lead the way and W’s flat mate let us in. I walked down the hall to W’s room my heart beating so loudly in the quiet.

I pushed open the door to find W laying on his bed with a can of beer in his hand and an empty one on the desk. It wasn’t even 11.30am yet.

‘W what are you doing here? You need to be at the hospital where they can help you get better!’

‘I’m going to my sisters wedding! It’s where I’m supposed to be, I can make it if I go soon.’

‘Your family want you to be safe and healthy W, which means being at the hospital. They know this and don’t mind you are not there with them today, I spoke to them myself yesterday.’

W wouldn’t listen to me and continued to drink, I tried again

‘Look W you have to come back to the hospital. You weren’t supposed to leave and you are mid treatment you are putting your health in danger being here and by drinking that!’

‘Just go C!’

At that movement the police came in, W looked up and anger flashed across his face, he turned to me.

‘For fuck’s sake C! What did you do?’

‘ I didn’t do this, you did.’ I wispered.

‘W, mate you need to come back to the hospital with us. Now we can do this the easy way where you walk out with us or the hard way where we carry you out. Now I know which one I would prefer. I think you do to, so come on now.’

W looked at me like I had sold him out and turned his back to me. He struggled to his feet and slowly made his way to the door. He was clearly not that sure on his feet.

‘W, do you want me to put a few things in a bag for you?’ I called after him.

He turned to look at me,

‘Just fuck off C!’

With that he left with the police and I was left on my own. Trying to hold back tears I stuffed a few things in his bag and hurried to follow in my car.

I felt numb, how has it come to this? Arriving at the hospital for the third day in a row I went to the ward.

I had to find out what happened, they were very apologetic and said they had not replaced the security when the night guards had left.

I said it wasn’t good enough, he had been sectioned for a reason! Annoyed I went to see W.

He refused to speak to me and simply told me to fuck off again. Hurt and angry I shoved the bag on his bed.

I asked if he wanted me to go and get anything else for him like a book or his laptop  as he was going to be here for another two nights under the section.

‘I don’t want anything from you. Leave me alone. This is all your fault!’

‘W, you collapsed, you took 28 sleeping tablets, you have had strokes! You needed help. I haven’t done anything but try to look after you!’


Stunned I looked around me, everyone on the ward was staring at us.

‘Fine, goodbye W. This is it I’m not coming back. Good luck with your life!’

With that I turned to leave and tried hard to hold myself together.

I spoke to the nurse and informed them that W’s family would be arriving tomorrow and they would look after him. They needed to call his mum for any updates from now on and to remove my name and number from W’s contact sheet.

I held my head high as I walked out of the hospital, I was doing the right thing. W was knowingly on a path of self destruction and was intent on carrying on and I couldn’t help him.

He was on his own now and so was I.

All that was left to do was to call W’s mum and let her know what had happened and to say sorry but I can’t be here anymore.

That was a hard phone call, we got on well and she had welcomed me into the family with open arms but that simply wasn’t enough to stay.

She told me she understood and thanked me for looking out for her boy.

I got into my car and drove. I felt numb, I wasn’t sure I could deal with this all now . Maybe I had reached my emotional limit for dealing so I just drove.

C xo

©2016 C xo


Pushed to Breaking Point

I sat on the train and waited for my station and trudged up the road towards my house, it was 11.50pm by the time I reached it but instead of walking to the door I got into my car and started to drive.

I headed over to W’s flat to see if he had some how made his way home only to find he wasn’t there. I called the hospital and let them know.

I drove home and walked wearily up the stairs, there was nothing I could do for W now. The hospital said they would carry on searching and if he wasn’t found by the morning he would be reported missing to the police.

I got into bed and despite my worry and panic at the situation I fell asleep almost instantly, it was well past 1am.

I was woken at 4.15am by my phone ringing.


‘Hello, this is V calling from the hospital, we have found W and he is back on the ward safe and sound. He is fine, we just wanted to let you know.’

Relief flooded through me.

‘Where was he?’

‘We found him asleep in a flowerbed just on the outskirts of the hospital grounds, we are not sure but he may have had another fit.’

‘But he is ok?’

‘Yes, the consultant will be seeing him first thing in the morning. He is sleeping now’

‘Ok, can you let me know what they say please? I mean if he is being let go or staying.’

‘Yes of course. Good night.’

‘Thank you and good night.’

I called W’s mum as she had been alerted by the hospital also and was anxious for information and she thanked me for letting her know.

I put my phone on the side and laid back down, I was awake and exhausted and confused. What was going on with W?

I eventually fell asleep and woke up at 8.45am and set up my laptop so  could work from my bed. I thanked god I was working from home as I had desperately needed the extra couple hours of sleep.

I was getting on with my day and feeling awful due to the stress of this situation on top of what was happening with M, when my phone rang.

‘Hello is that C?’


‘Hello C this is K I’m a nurse from the hospital, can I ask are you with W?’

Confused  I said,

‘No I am at home, is W not with you at the hospital?’

‘He walked off the ward about an hour ago and we have not been able to locate him.’

FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!!!!!! What the hell was going on?

W clearly was not well and they were letting him walk off the ward and after last night??????

I hung up the phone promising to go to his flat to see if he was there, whilst they called the police.

Once again I spoke to my manager, who told me to just go.

I got in my car and drove back the same way I went last night, the slow day time traffic making me anxious and annoyed. The police called me to ask a few question whilst I was driving.

W wasn’t there. I dithered, what do I do now?

Then my phone rang again it was the hospital W had come back and was on the ward and he was due an assessment in the next 2 hours.

I got back in the car and headed out East, 45 minutes later I walked onto the ward to find W on his bed wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Ok.

The nurse had explained that W had said he had just gone to the local shopping centre to get some clothes and a charger for his phone.

I tried to speak to W but he was out of it, I looked through the Primark bag and found some more clothes which were definitely not his usual style, an empty packet of 28 sleeping tablets and over £200 in cash.

I took the empty pill box to the doctors and they thanked me, they hadn’t realised he had taken the pills and so started a course of treatment accordingly.

Over the next few hours I watched over W as he tripped out on the tablets, he screamed at the wall and backed away yelling it was melting.

He grabbed me and pulled me close and told me I was an evil person who would burn in hell and that he was glad before cackling madly and shoving me backwards.

I tried to calm him down, and suddenly he shoved me out the way knocking me into the wall as he made for the ward exit, at that moment a consultant came back and W was put back into bed and on a drip.

It made him sleepy. I sat for another 3 hours as he dozed and mumbled, then he slowly started waking up and was talking fairly normally but was intent on getting to the train station to go up to Nottingham for his sisters wedding and seemed confused as to why he was there.

20 minutes later after I had stalled W from packing up his shopping and leaving the consultant came back and began an assessment of W’s mental state.

Once again I stayed silent as W lied to the doctor but this time he contradicted himself several times and was clearly very confessed. It was heart-breaking to watch.

The consultant finished the assessment and asked me to come to his office. I sat there and broke down explaining what W had said was a lie and how much he really had been drinking and abusing painkillers and sleeping tablets.

The consultant told me W was experiencing withdrawl to alcohol, which is why he had collapsed and fitted several times.

He had stopped drinking but due to the amount he was consuming previously his body was in toxic shock. This mixed with the tablets he had taken was a dangerous mix.

He told me that W had had several mini strokes in the last 4 months also due to the amount he was drinking. I was horrified.

He gently told me they were sectioning W for his own safety. I looked at him and wiped away my tears, I was so relieved, this meant they had to keep him on the ward and he couldn’t just wander off as he fancied.

Then he asked if I was ok, I looked at him surprised but so pathetically thankful. I was so stressed out, I was the only one here for W his whole family were in Nottingham getting ready for the wedding tomorrow.

‘I will be fine, thank you.’

‘We need to ask, has W been violent towards you before?’

‘N, No!’ I stuttered.

‘You can tell us, you are safe here.’

‘No, not at all, W’s actions today towards me physically are not normal at all. I  would say if it was not the case. But he has never consciously tried to hurt me.’

‘Ok then.’

I was asked to stay as long as they could let me, to try keep W calm for the evening. I agreed.

I went back and sat with W as the consultant explained what was happening to him, W immediately tried to leave but was stooped by two burly security guards.

He was put back on his bed, and for the next 2 hours I watched as W tried to sneak past them and escape. Several times he pushed me hard to get past me as I tried to soothe him and I was thrown into the wall and twice through the curtain separating W’s bed to the next.

The second time this happened my arm caught the edge of a cabinet and I sustained a large deep scratch all the way down my forearm.  Kindly the nurse looked at it and cleaned it up for me.

Finally it was time for me to go, W was in bed, but still very agitated and confused. I tried to say good night and promised I would return in the morning. I left him with the security guards watching over him.

I walked away and felt guilty for feeling relived to be away from him. It was 11pm so I headed for my car, calling W’s family to let them know what was happening on the way and they all thanked me for being there with him and told me they had already planned to come down on Sunday  first thing after the wedding.

I got in my car and started to drive home only to break down in tears 10 minutes later. I was crying so hard I had to pull over.

I felt like I was breaking, this was all just too much.

C xo

©2016 C xo